Asking for Help is Scriptural

My friend, Peggy Collins, has written a terrific book that can help all of us who are too independent for our own good. It is titled, Help Is Not a Four-Letter Word.

Enjoy this conversation with Peggy and me.

Lorri: Peggy, your new book was written for a secular audience, but the Christian media has shown lots of interest. What’s attracting Christians to “HINAFLW”?

Peggy: That’s a good question, Lorri. I think it’s because this life here on earth is supposed to be our “practice field” for putting into place all the teachings in the Bible. Being a Self-Sufficient and having Self-Sufficiency Syndrome goes against every tenet the Bible teaches, such as, “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” Self-Sufficients can’t ask for anything because it means letting go of control, risking rejection, letting others see where our weaknesses are, and we’d owe someone and have to do something nice to pay it back. Imagine!
We Self-Sufficients feel like we have to do everything all by ourselves, isolating and distancing ourselves. The Bible teaches “love one another.” I don’t believe we can really love one another until we can know the person we’re loving.

The Self-Sufficient lives very close to the vest, looking as though she doesn’t need anything or anybody. Until that individual can make peace with herself and accept her weaknesses, can we really be in community?

Lorri: Do you think people who have trouble asking other people for help also are reluctant to ask God for help?

Peggy: I do and here’s why. The Self-Sufficient needs to be in control of everything and everybody. It’s out of fear, and this extreme behavior is a way to feel safe. Even though we may turn to God, and I did from the time of my early childhood, I would turn over control of a problem but would just as quickly take it back because I hadn’t “practiced on the practice field,” and I became too frightened at the feeling of letting go. Even though I had faith, the fear caused me to focus on the primitive need to be safe and lose my touch with my faith. As I’ve learned to face my fears, armed with the fact that I’m not facing them alone, I’ve been much more successful.

Lorri: As Christians, do we bless others by asking them for help?

Peggy: Oh yes!! One of my best friends asked a question that really got my attention, “When are you going to give me the dignity of helping you?” When we ask for help, we are giving! We're giving a message that we trust that person will be there for us, that they are more capable in an area than we are or even that we want to grow closer by blessing them with this gift of asking.

Lorri: Peggy, you are forthcoming about your own ordeal with the Self-Sufficiency Syndrome. You are also a woman of faith. Did your faith help you get through the rough times?

Peggy: As I said earlier, I went to God in prayer from the time I was a small child. There were many times in my chaotic home life when I felt God was the only one listening. The problem I have always worked on in my faith is being able to turn it over, watch the results and not take it back! As I’ve grown in my faith, today I’m able to do that much more easily than before.
In my book, Help Is Not a Four-Letter Word, I talk about finally realizing that when I tried to control others' lives, I was really writing their scripts. That was a huge "aha” for me, because I realized that each of the people I loved had a much greater SCRIPT WRITER than I, and now I can stand back and watch the plot unfold with faith and trust!

Lorri: That's great. What else would you like to add?

Peggy: I sat at a church-group breakfast this morning and the discussion turned to how violent and angry the world has become. I was amazed at the “this is how it is” attitude around that table. Until each of us can feel love in our hearts for one another, lean on each other and raise each other up in our faith, it will never be any different, I fear.

When we feel peace and love in our hearts, there will begin to be peace and love in the world. Each of us has to make a personal decision to make that happen.

Lorri: And let's ask each other for help to make it happen! Thank you, Peggy, for writing this important book!

Interview with Author Dena Dyer

Dena Dyer is such an encourager! Her ministry is for moms and women. She is an author, singer, performer and speaker. Her credits include Grace for the Race: Meditations for Busy Moms (Barbour), The Groovy Chicks Road Trip series (Cook, co-authored with Laurie Copeland and a lot of groovy girlfriends), and lots of magazine articles. A wife and mother of two precious boys, Dena is compassionate and thoughtful. Plus, her blog is where I got the idea of interviewing people for my blog, so of course, I had to interview Dena! Her blog is cool--please check it out.

Lorri: Dena, your faith has played such a big part in everything about your life, from your college choice and finding your husband to what you’re doing now. Has it always been easy to put your faith first?

Dena: No... I have had times when faith was incredibly hard to hold onto, such as when I was going through the loss of a baby early in our marriage. The people who were the least comforting were Christians. That was hard! I also went through a crisis of faith after 9/11. That tragedy was followed by more personal tragedies in some of my friends' lives, and it felt like the world was out of control, and God was nowhere to be found. But through it all, I kept being honest with God about my questions. Like Job, I just kept dialoguing with Him. After a while, I found that at my core, I couldn't let go of God. Or more correctly, He wouldn't let go of me!

Lorri: Thanks for your transparency. It encourages me that someone as "together" as you are may struggle from time to time, like the rest of us. Your ministry includes encouraging mothers. Why is it so hard for moms these days?

Dena: I think we’re really hard on ourselves (I know I am). We want to do it all, be it all and have it all. The problem is, none of us can! When I finally "got" that, I became a much more relaxed and confident mom!

Lorri: Why do you feel called to write?

Dena: I’ve loved writing since I was eight years old and read a story in front of my second grade class. They loved it—and I was hooked! And when I found healing from depression, miscarriage, and anxiety problems in Jesus, it increased my desire to write—to share with others the hope I have. I do believe I’m called, which to me means that I have a divine mandate to use my talents and gifts for Him and not for my own glory. God in his grace has allowed me to do something I absolutely love—that’s his assignment for me. What an awesome thing!

Lorri: What advice would you give aspiring writers?

Dena: Be flexible, professional, and respectful. The business is very volatile and editors change jobs a lot. They are also under tremendous pressure to acquire books and shepherd those books through the publishing process. Then they’re supposed to go to writing conferences, where they look for new writers, teach classes, and nurture professional writers. I honestly don’t see how they do it all.

I have always tried to respect the time constraints my editors have and thank them for their efforts. And I try to meet my deadlines and not be too protective of my writing (taking criticism like a big girl). I’d also advise writers to not give up, if they feel they are "writers" at the core of their beings. This business is hard—and more writers try to break in every day. But if you’re dedicated to learning the craft of writing, and you are persistent in submitting your work (that includes learning how to submit and following publishers’ guidelines), then if you are talented, you will eve ntually get published.

Lorri: Which books have influenced you?

Dena: Okay, where do I start? Some of my all-time favorites are To Kill a Mockingbird, The Scarlet Letter, A Separate Peace, Brave New World, and Cold Sassy Tree. I love the Narnia series and every book C.S. Lewis ever wrote (ask me about my C.S. Lewis course in college-wow!) and I can't get enough of books by Anne Lamott, Kathleen Norris, Lauren Winner, John/Staci Eldredge, Ken Gire, Henri Nouwen, Frederick Beuchner and Madeleine L'Engle. Wish I could write like those people! The passion of Beth Moore, Joanna Weaver and Angela Thomas inspires me, and I love the occasional chick-lit novel as a "lite" break in my reading schedule.

Lorri: Dena, thanks so much for squeezing this blog into your busy mothering and reading and writing schedule! God bless your ministry!